80 (and counting) energy drinks reviewed

Matt — Tue, 19 Feb 2008 22:51:43 +0000

Hi, I’m Matt, and I’m an energy drink addict.

With a baby and a toddler at home, a demanding job, freelance clients, graduate school, and a determination to play poker with a competitive edge, I drink at least one of these bubbly canisters of caffeine, taurine, guarana, and various other mysterious chemicals a day. I don’t drink coffee, so my daily energy boost comes from one of the following drinks. I’ll take all the help I can get.

Since 2006, I’ve tried almost every sugar-free energy drink I’ve discovered. Unless otherwise noted, I stick to the low-carb versions of these drinks, but occasionally, I sample full-sugar energy drinks as well. Some are forgettable, some made me cringe, some made me feel like I could jump over a house.

[Author's note: I originally posted this in 2008 when the count was around 40 drinks. I updated this from time to time as I discover new (and usually awful) energy drinks.]

Below is every energy drink I’ve tried, rated, with notes:

Top Shelf

Jolt Ultra: Sugar Free. This is a tough drink to find, but if you see one, grab it. Light. Refreshing. Smooth. Tastes a bit like a carbonated version of the original Gatorade, spiked with a major payload of caffeine. Comes in a big, re-sealable 24-oz canister that looks like something that might be used to refuel a space ship. If I could find this one in more stores, it would be my first choice.
Monster Java Lo-Ball. I don’t like coffee, but I DO like this. Kind of like a mocha drink, but cheaper, tastier, and loaded with bubbly caffeinated goodness. Can’t get this yet in DC, but it will be a favorite when it does.
Monster Lo Carb (the Blue one). A smooth, sweet flavor that goes down easy. No bitterness, or harsh citrus flavors. I’d drink this even if it wasn’t supercharged with caffeine. You can find this at almost any supermarket or mini-mart. Hard to beat this as an excellent go-to energy drink.
Rush Energy Lite. Damn, this is a good drink! Sweet, tasty, and powerful… like strawberry soda on steroids! Arguably the best overall drink in this list. Sadly, I have only seen this drink one time while in Miami… and I fear it may be extinct.
Ace Energy Drink: Lo Carb. Tastes a bit like Sweet Tarts, pulverized and and liquefied into energy drink form. Nice refreshing flavor. Not sure how potent this drink is, as I didn’t feel much of a kick. Bonus points for the funky, retro, poker- and pin-up girl themed packaging. A damn good drink, if you can find it.
Red Bull Total Zero A sugar-free, zero-calorie vision of the energy drink that everyone knows. Seems to have a lighter flavor as well; a little less sweet. It’s subtle, smooth, and tasty. Might be a bit overpriced, but aside from that, it’s a great go-to energy drink.
Spike Shooter: Orange Gold. Wow. Tiny can, but packed with 300mg of Caffeine. That’s like six Diet Cokes or two Blue Monsters… Anyway, tastes great, like Orange Crush. Beware, though: it packs a serious wallop. Even for a hardcore energy drink fiend like me, this gave me the jitters.
Spike Shooter: Original Flavor. See above, only it tastes more like fruit punch. Again, beware: this thing packs a major punch. Might make some people jump off bridges or something…
Spike Shooter: ‘Quila Lime. See above. Quite tasty, with a bit of citrus bite. And the drink packs a punch. Again, beware: Not an energy drink for lightweights.
Full Throttle Lo-Carb. Nice and smooth, but does it taste like bubble gum? Good, but nothing I’d crave. It’s Coca-Cola’s stab at the energy drink market. Solid, but not overwhelming.
Full Throttle Fury. Throttle’s spunky little brother, a nice change-of-pace energy drink. More fruity. Very, very hard to find these days.
Full Throttle Unleaded I think this has replaced the Full Throttle Lo-Carb… Good, crisp, and taste. A first-tier energy drink.
All-In Energy Drink: Grape. I had pretty low expectations for this over-marketed, poker-themed energy drink, but I have to give it credit: tastes like grape Crush and delivers a nice punch of caffeine. Very tasty. Two downsides: First, the small, Red Bull-sized can is so 2003. Second, the language on the back of the can is very silly. An energy drink is a beverage, not a life philosophy.
Monster Absolute Zero. This seems exactly like Monster Lo Carb except it has “ZERO” calories (instead of 10). And for that, they charge a dollar more? We may be caffiene junkies, but we’re not idiots.

Surprisingly Solid

FRS Health Energy: Low Cal Peach Mango. A different kind of energy drink: it’s not carbonated and actually includes real mango puree in it. Boasts an alleged antioxidant called quercetin. Not bad at all. Tastes like a smooth, rich fruit juice. The only downsides: comes in a skinny, tall 11.5 oz can, and didn’t seem to pack much of a punch. Not as loaded with caffeine as other drinks.
Guru Lite. Small can. Tastes a little like Hawaiian punch. Not bad at all. Not a great value, though. Still, a pretty solid little energy drink if you can find it for cheap.
Amp: Sugar Free Lightning. Kinda like drinking a box of Lemonheads.Carbonated, sugar-free lemonade with 80mg of caffeine. Not bad. But by the time you finish the 16 oz can, the sweetness and fake lemon flavor gets a little tired.
RockStar Roasted Light Vanilla. Smooth and not too sweet. Nice mix of vanilla with a hint of coffee flavor. Big punch of caffeine. An excellent drink, though hard to find.
RockStar Lo-Carb. Tastes better than other RockStar drinks, and has more caffeine. Win win! A little too fruity, perhaps, but other than that, a nice go-to drink. This was #1 for a while, but I’m starting to think this is just too sweet and berry-flavored, so I’m dropping it down the rankings a bit.
Xenergy Mango Guava. Stop laughing, it’s hella tasty and smooth! fruity, but not overly sweet… very balanced flavor
Xenergy Blu Pom See above; another excellent drink… tastes like berries and fruit, but not in a syrupy, overpowering way… crisp and delicious
Freek Sugar-Free Maniac. Ignore the horror-movie packaging — nothing scary about this tasty, refreshing energy drink! A very exciting new discovery, if you can find it.
Venom Energy Mojave Rattler. Made by the company that makes Seven Up and Dr. Pepper, this lo-carb drink doesn’t exactly taste as dangerous as it sounds. A nice, crisp berry flavor with a hint of citrus. Comes in a funky, re-closable bottle that looks vaguely like something in which you might store nuclear isotopes. A solid drink, but nothing particularly special.
Amp Energy (Sugar Free). Nice nice… Kind of Mountain Dew-y, but lighter-tasting and fresher. A solid new drink.
Highball Energy Drink. Found this at Whole Foods the other day and tried the lemon lime version. Very subtle flavor, kind of like tonic water. Not bad at all. Not the most powerful energy drink, but smooth.
Monster Rehab (Tea/Lemonade). So this edition of the Monster franchise is a non-carbonated version of an Arnold Palmer. Tea with lemonade, but with lots of caffiene. Not bad, but not anything great.
Monster Rehab (Green Tea + Energy). See above, except more of a subtle green tea flavor. Fine, I guess. But nothing you’d ever crave…
RockStar Recovery. I’m not sure RockStar needed another variety of their energy drinks, but here’s another: this one is uncarbonated and has a vague lemonade flavor. Supposedly, it’s a “hydration” energy drink because it has electrolytes. Whatever. It’s utterly forgettable.
Sexy Italia Energy Drink Plus. Not sugar-free, but I got it as a gift so I tried it. Excellent flavor: maybe a blend of cherry or raspberry, and very smooth. Would go great with vodka. If you’re in Italy any time soon, this might be a good call.
Rockstar Recovery. Another energy drink that pretends to be some kind of workout supplement (ENERGY + HYDRATION!). Don’t all drinks provide “hydration?” I tried the “Lemonade” flavored one. Sweet and tasty. Also pretty forgettable.

Lower Your Expectations

Redline: Triple Berry. Tasted like berry-flavored Kool Aid. A bit too sweet. Aftertaste was a tad harsh. Not bad, but not great.
Java Monster: Chai Hai. It’s a Monster drink. No wait, it’s a coffee drink. No wait, it’s a chai drink. And it’s not sugar-free. At first sip, it seemed very rich and tasty, like a good Chai. But after a third and fourth sip, it just seemed a little too milky and a little too sweet. Not a bad drink, but hard to drink a whole can.
NOS Sugar-Free/ Nice flavor, kinda citrusy, but in a good way; not a bad drink if you found it on sale someplace
Cocaine Energy Drink. Not sugar-free, but someone found this for me, and with a name like “Cocaine,” clearly this is drink crying out for attention. The packaging describes it as “a carbonated atomic fireball,” which sounds about right. It burns your throat and nose as if you chewed up up a bunch of fireball candies. And it’s got a ton of caffeine in it. But after all that, it’s not a particularly enjoyable beverage. I struggled to finish the can.I ‘ll say this — it tastes far different than any other energy drink, but that’s not necessarily a good thing.
Shark (regular). Tried this one in Thailand. Like a Red Bull, but not so cough syrupy… Not bad. Didn’t find a lo-carb version. Solid.
Low-Carb Kronik Protein Energy. According to the can, it contains “power too sick for science.” If by “too sick” they mean Watery, berry-flavored fuzzy water, with a slightly bitter aftertaste, suppose they might be right… Next!
Unbound Energy Lo-Carb. Discovered this new one on a gas stop near Pittsburgh, PA. Not bad, but very sweet, without any real flavor to distinguish itself. Not bad, but nothing special.
Enviga Sparkling Green Tea (Berry Flavor). Something new from Coca-Cola and Nestle. A little fruity, but fresh-tasting and loaded with caffeine and green tea extracts. A little timid.
Vault Zero. More of a soda than an energy drink, but tasty, cheap, and loaded with caffeine; close your eyes and you might mistake it for Mountain Dew
MdX Sugar Free. Some kind of “extreme” Mountain Dew drink (Mountain Dew X!) Like Vault Zero… only a little weaker
Starbucks Mocha Doubleshot Energy + Coffee. My brother reviewed the Vanilla version of this thing, so I was curious. They didn’t have a sugar-free version, but I tried it anyway. Verdict? Tastes like Yoohoo chocolate milk. Meh. Go for the Monster Java Lo-Ball if you want coffee/energy drink fusion.
Monster Rehab (ProTEAn + Energy). This one is just strange. Vaguely tastes like tea… but also has a strange chalky aftertaste (must be the 15g of protein blended into this chemical concoction.) All-in-all, pretty nasty.
Hi-Ball Energy — Wild Berry. Good news: it’s organic, fair-trade certified, and made of relatively natural ingredients, unlike most of these drinks. Bad news: it’s 100 calories and it takes like weak berry juice. Yawn.
99 degrees (sugar free). 200MG of caffeine?!? Wow. Not bad, but the flavor is a bit medicinal. Not too fruit, not too citrusy. Just kind of like weak fruit punch with some hidden drug in it. Not terrible, but nothing to grab off a shelf if other options were available.
Diet Red (Hansen): Small can, sweet. Very Red Bullish, with more of a berry flavor. Not bad, but nothing special
Mad-Croc. I honestly can’t tell how this isn’t the same drink as Red Bull Sugar Free… Maybe 2% more “bite”… Solid, and I think cheaper than Red Bull.
Sugar-Free Red Bull The small can is awful as a matter of value… $2 for 8oz? And despite being one of the first energy drinks, its flavor is pretty unremarkable.
Brava Italia. Almost indistinguishable from Red Bull… maybe a little harsher. Odd European soccer players on the can. Not sugar-free.
Rhino’s. See Diet Red and Mad-Croc… maybe a little more tart, which isn’t better
Bing Energy Drink. The “Bing” refers to the cherry flavor, of which there is a ton in this semi-natural, semi-sugar free energy drink. Nice flavor, but a bit too sweet and syrupy. Had a tough time finishing the can.
Archer Farms: Sugar Free Raspberry. Target makes this drink, and it’s not bad. Gentle flavor, almost like a flavored seltzer water. The can is ridiculously girly. No man would want to be seen walking around with this, but his girlfriend might love it. Not much caffeine that I could detect. Meh…
Archer Farms: Sugar Free Tangerine. See above. Same deal, with a little more of a citrus taste. Yawn.
Jolt Endurance Shot: Wild Grape. One of the new trend of micro energy drinks in shot form, this 2.5 oz energy bump is like grape fruit punch that didn’t get mixed with enough water. Reminded me of children’s medicine. And where’s the enjoyment of drinking something like this? Lots of caffeine, no doubt, but not much enjoyment and a pretty forgettable flavor.
Rockstar Energy Shot: Tropical Fruit Punch Flavor. Here’s the good news: it delivers 200mg of caffeine in a 2.5oz bottle. The bad news: it tastes like Robitussin.
Simpsons “Flaming Moe” Energy Drink. Not sugar-free, but I got it as a gift and tried it. Not bad, actually… tastes like bubble gum. Best thing about it is the art on can, but otherwise, pretty forgettable.
Rofo Ka 5cal. Meh. Seemed a lot like Red Bull, with a vaguely bubble-gum, berry flavor. Just too sweet and generic. And not much of a punch.

Junk in a Can

Bawls Exxtra. Bawls made one of the earliest hyper-caffienated drinks on the market, and it came in a funky blue bottle (see below). Recently, they released a sugar-free edition of the drink. Not awful, but it tastes like sugar water… without the sugar. And I’m paying $2.49 for this why?
Monster Rehab (Rojo Tea). Another non-carbonated Monster mutation. This one, however, tastes like cranberry juice. Blech… What’s next, Monster Energy: EXTREME Prune Juice Edition?
Ripped Rage: Sugar Free. The packaging on this thing is very macho: chains, jagged typefaces, and a huge “R” that looks like it was carved into the side of a tree. It also boasts of using a “themogenic matrix(TM) that will make you break a sweat, or break something!” Um… okay, tough guy! Meanwhile, it tastes likes raspberries that were left in the fridge a week too long.
Exotic Spanish Fly. Very strange drink. This not-sugar-free “Spanish Fly” drink is made in Germany featuring something called “shizandra,” a Chinese herb “cherished among women as a sexual enhancer and youth invigorator.” Hmmmm… Well, this Spanish-German-Chinese energy drink tastes vaguely like berries. Slightly bitter aftertaste. Meh…
Red Bull SugarFree Shot. Meh. Tastes like condensed Red Bull, with no carbonation. 2oz of blah. And only 80mg of caffeine. Why bother? Other energy “shots” taste just as bad, but give you a bigger boost…
Blade Energy. Meh. I can’t tell if this is a CVS-owned product, but it’s like a Blue Montster, only a bit more harsh tasting. A very forgettable drink.
RockStar. An utterly forgettable drink. The best thing I can say is that it has bubbles.
Diet Pepsi Max. Diet Pepsi + extra caffeine. Not not THAT much caffeine. Meh….
5-Hour Energy Shot, Lemon Lime Flavor. I tried not to hold the annoying "5-Hour Energy" commercials against this product, but like most "energy shots," but this is terrible. If they made Lemon-Lime Robotussin, this is how it would taste. I also didn’t notice much of bump from this product; certainly not "five hours" of energy. The one good thing I can say about it is that the experience is over quickly. Like a shot of bad tequila: it’s nasty, but chug it quickly and it’s gone.
Bawls. I tried this—the non sugar-free version—before they came out with a lo-carb edition. Meh. Tastes like syrup. Oh wait, it IS syrup, with some caffeine added in for good measure. No thanks. Sexy bottle, nasty drink.
Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink. Sweet, weak, and kinda apple-juicy… Barely drinkable.
Arizona RX Energy Fast Shot. Take the above lame drink, condense it down into 2 oz of syrup. Barely drinkable becomes barely swallow-able. That’s not an improvement, but at least it’s over more quickly.
Monster HitMan LoBo Energy Shooter. Ugh. Tastes like Nyquil. I hate these energy shots/shooters with a passion. It has 160 MG of caffeine, but barely worthy the awful experience of swallowing this thick gooey mess.
Crunk. I really hoped to like Crunk, being Lil Jon’s official energy drink and all… The can boasts about the unique ingredient: Ashwaganda Horny Goat Weed. Imagine what you’d expect Horny Goat Weed to taste like — that’s what this tasted like.
24:7 Lo-Carb Energy Drink. If you squint your eyes, it looks like a Blue Monster. But it tastes like a Red Bull mixed with Antifreeze. Yuck.
Energade. Like Gatorade, only weaker and flatter-tasting. Pretty terrible stuff, which is why I’m pretty sure it no longer exists.
Sparks. An energy drink mixed with beer. And yes, it tastes about as bad as that sounds.
Lost Lo-Carb. Sour. Bitter. Horrible. Please STAY lost.
Lost Five-O. Even worse… I could only take two sips of this before surrendering.

Beverage Crimes Against Humanity