Forty (and counting) energy drinks reviewed

Hi, I’m Matt, and I’m an energy drink addict.

With a demanding job, freelance clients, graduate school, and a determination to play poker with a competitive edge, I drink at least one of these bubbly cannisters of caffeine, taurine, guarana, and various other mysterious chemicals a day. Oh, we’re expecting a baby in the spring, so I’ll take all the help I can get. I don’t drink coffee, so my daily energy boost comes from one of the following drinks.

Since 2006, I’ve tried at more than three dozen different energy drinks (and counting). Unless otherwise noted, I’ve generally stuck to the sugar-free, low-carb variety of these. Some are fantastic, some are terrible. Below are all 40, rated, with notes:

1. Monster Lo Carb (the Blue one).  Hard to beat this, but getting hard to find cheap.  Still an excellent go-to drink.
2. Monster Java Lo-Ball.  I don’t like coffee, but I DO like this.  Kind of like a mocha drink, but cheaper, tastier, and loaded with bubbly caffiennated goodness.  Can’t get this yet in DC, but it will be a favorite when it does.
   
3. Rush Energy Lite (HELL YEAH!  Sweet, tasty, and powerful…  Like Strawberry Soda on Steroids! Maybe the best overall drink in this list. [Sadly, I have only seen this drink one time…. Its unavailability forces me to drop it in the ratings]
   
4. Amp Energy (Sugar Free)…  Nice nice… Kind of Mountain Dew-y, but lighter-tasting and fresher. A great new drink!
5. Full Throttle (nice and smooth, but does it taste like bubble gum?)
6. Rip It (can’t find it much anymore…. but it’s light, refreshing, and cheap-as-hell…)
7. Full Throttle Fury (Throttle’s spunky little brother, a nice change-of-pace NRG drink)
8. Full Throttle Unleaded (I think this has replaces the Full Throttle Lo-Carb)…  Good, crisp, and taste.  A first-tier energy drink.
9. RockStar Lo-Carb.  Tastes better than other RockStar drinks, and has more caffeine. Win win! A little too fruity, perhaps, but other than that, a nice go-to drink. This was #1 for a while, but I’m starting to think this is just too sweet and berry-flavored, so I’m dropping it down the rankings a bit.
10. Xenergy Mango Guava (stop laughing, it’s hella tasty and smooth! fruity, but not overly sweet… very balanced flavor)
    
11. Xenergy Blu Pom (see above; another excellent drink… tastes like berries and fruit, but not in a syrupy, overpowering way… crisp and delicious)
    
12. Freek Sugar-Free Maniac (Ignore the horror-movie packaging — nothing scary about this tasty, refreshing energy drink! A very exciting new discovery, if you can find it.)
13. Highball Energy Drink. Found this at Whole Foods the other day and tried the lemon lime version. Very subtle flavor, kind of like tonic water. Not bad at all. Not the most powerful energy drink, but smooth.
    
14. NOS Sugar-Free (Nice flavor, kinda citrusy, but in a good way; not a bad drink if you found it on sale someplace)
    
15. Shark (regular).  Tried this one in Thailand.  Like a Red Bull, but not so cough syrupy… Not bad.  Didn’t find a lo-carb version.  Solid.
    
16. Unbound Energy Lo-Carb.  Discovered this new one on a gas stop near Pittsburgh, PA.  Not bad, but very sweet, without any real flavor to distinguish itself.  Not bad, but nothing special.
    
17. Enviga Sparkling Green Tea (Berry Flavor).  Something new from Coca-Cola and Nestle.  A little fruity, but fresh-tasting and loaded with caffeine and green tea extracts. A little timid.
    
18. Vault Zero (more of a soda than an energy drink, but tasty, cheap, and loaded with caffeine; close your eyes and you might mistake it for Mountain Dew)
    
19. MdX Sugar Free  (some kind of "extreme" Mountain Dew drink (Mountain Dew X!) Like Vault Zero… only a little weaker)
20. Starbucks Mocha Doubleshot Energy + Coffee. My brother reviewed the Vanilla version of this thing, so I was curious. They didn’t have a sugar-free version, but I tried it anyway. Verdict? Tastes like Yoohoo chocolate milk. Meh. Go for the Monster Java Lo-Ball if you want coffee/energy drink fusion.
21. 99 degrees (sugar free).  200MG of caffeine?!? Wow. Not bad, but the flavor is a bit medicinal.  Not too fruit, not too cirtrusy.  Just kind of like weak fruit punch with some hidden drug in it.  Not terrible, but nothing to grab off a shelf if other options were available.
22. Diet Red (Hansen):  Small can, sweet.  Very Red Bullish, with more of a berry flavor. Not bad, but nothing special
    
23. Mad-Croc (I honestly can’t tell how this isn’t the same drink as Red Bull Sugar Free… Maybe 2% more “bite”…  Solid, and I think cheaper than Red Bull)
24. Sugar-Free Red Bull (The small can is awful as a matter of value… $2 for 8oz? And despite being one of the first energy drinks, its flavor is pretty unremarkable.)
25. Rhino’s (see Diet Red and Mad-Croc… maybe a little more tart, which isn’t better)
26. Blade Energy. Meh. I can’t tell if this is a CVS-owned product, but it’s like a Blue Montster, only a bit more harsh tasting. A very forgettable drink.
    
27. RockStar. (An utterly forgettable drink. The best thing I can say is that it has bubbles.)
28. Diet Pepsi Max.  Diet Pepsi + extra caffeine.  Not not THAT much caffeine.  Meh….
    
29. Arizona Green Tea Energy Drink.   (Nuh! Sweet, weak, and kinda apple-juicy…  Barely drinkable)
30. Crunk. I really hoped to like Crunk, being Lil Jon’s official energy drink and all… The can boasts about the unique ingredient: Ashwaganda Horny Goat Weed. Imagine what you’d expect Horny Goat Weed to taste like — that’s what this tasted like.
31. 24:7 Lo-Carb Energy Drink.  If you squint your eyes, it looks like a Blue Monster.  But it tastes like a Red Bull mixed with Antifreeze. Yuck.
    
32. Energade (do they even make this filth anymore?  what the hell is this weak, Gatorade-ish mess?)
33. Sparks (energy drink mixed with beer… and it’s as bad as it sounds)
    
34. Lost Lo-Carb (please STAY lost, you horrible-tasting junk!)
35. Lost Five-O (even worse… I could only take two sips of this before surrendering)
36. Sobe Adrenaline Rush (the only adrenaline I need for this is for throwing the can as far from me as I can)
37. Bawls (no sugar-free version, tasted like syrup.  Puke…)
38. BooKoo (is BooKoo some foreign word for "rancid?")
39. VonDutch (VonSUCKS!)
40. Sobe NoFear (the worst energy drink in the world… seriously… someone needs to be charged with a felony for marketing this sour, bitter can of nastiness)